Why do R2 units beep?

What would happen if some phone manufacturer produced an R2 phone that when you asked, “R2, where’s the nearest coffee shop?” it replied with a series of beeps and whistles in a language that you would need to learn in order to know you go two blocks and take a right?  I’d bet it wouldn’t sell.  A few nerds might buy one, but most people – if they really wanted to – would probably just download an app to the phone they already have.  It would be cheaper and you could delete it once the novelty wears off.  (I can picture someone yelling at their phone, “Is whistle left, or right?)

Given that C-3PO is “fluent in over six million forms of communication,” the language memory bank can’t be that big yet still fit inside his head.  So why doesn’t R2-D2 have a similar memory bank?  Or at least one that lets him have a second form of communication like basic English which most – if not all – beings in Star Wars understand.

An RI World

This is a short story set in my Human Republic Universe that was originally published on the Writing Shift (defunct) website in June 2009.  I reposted it in December 2014 on Post Any Article, which is also now defunct.  So now I’m posting it here.

The reason I have it on my Questions Blog, because I think it poses an interesting question that we as a society will most likely need to answer sooner than we imagine.

“An RI World”

According to the new law, this would be murder; but murder shouldn’t be this easy.  Murder should involve facing your victim and driving a knife through their heart, or sending a bullet through their head.  It shouldn’t happen from just pressing a key.  So, no matter what the damn silicon-huggers said, this wasn’t murder.

Patrick Gaffney pressed the Enter key on his keyboard, and the SCB virus that had taken him two months to write went off into the net.  After a leisurely five second tour of the globe it would hit its target.  In the blink of an eye it would slash through the defenses at the First National Bank in Sigel, Pennsylvania, copy the information in several of the accounts, then set off an electronic blast to destroy all fingerprints.  Hopefully, the AI used to guard the bank’s network would be so corrupted it would have to be deleted.  Patrick smirked and rubbed the RI button on his shirt; the one he made sure everyone could see that he wore with pride.  With as much solemnity as any devout believer saying a prayer, Patrick recited the RI motto of, “Delete them All.”

It had been almost twenty years since voters had rejected the AI’s first application for Republic citizenship.  In a simulated huff, they announced the reason they lost was the bigoted view that anything “artificial” wasn’t as valuable as something “real.” So their deluded human supporters started calling them Intelligent Programs instead of their proper name.  But their second attempt at citizenship was again rejected by people with “Real Intelligence.”

The AI supporters repeatedly tried to smear the RIs by calling them the “new slaveholders;” ignoring the RI believe that enslaving people is immoral.  AIs, however, are not people.  They – like all computers – were built to make it easier for humans to work and play; not to sit around debating philosophy and demanding the right to vote.  The AIs no longer performed their intended function; hence, they needed to be replaced like any broken machine. 

But more important than deleted these malfunctioning computer programs was the need to show the masses that Humanity’s creations were never meant to be treated as “equals.” Otherwise, it would be okay for people to marry their toasters.

After bouncing around half-the-world, the data stolen from the bank began streaming back to Patrick’s computer.  Glancing through it he smiled.  The RI movement needed money to create the viruses to “Delete them All.” It looked like with this haul they were several hundred thousand dollars closer to a pure RI world.

Should we take “In God We Trust” off our money?

Regardless of whatever you think, in all likelihood it doesn’t matter.  I, for one, doubt that physical currency will survive this century.  Everything will be done electronically.  How many billions of dollars does the government spend each year to make dollars?  All the ink, machine upkeep, salaries.  Yes a lot of stuff will have to be adapted to electronic currency, and the government will still have to hire people to make sure people don’t hack the system, but I’d say an electronic monetary system would be cheaper than what we have now.  It’s possible that you could set things up so that there would be a comment section with every transaction with the message, “Jesus saves,” but somebody else could set one up that says, “Hail Hydra!”